-If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

-Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

-Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

-Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

-Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

-Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

-Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to Fcking

-Chuck Norris isn't hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

-There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

-There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

-Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, A,B,A,B, Select, Start using only his erection.

-Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fck down.

-There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

-When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

-Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

-In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

-Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

-Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

-When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy hell! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

-Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

-It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

-Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's sh*t.

-Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

-When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

-Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. He waits.

-Chuck Norris doesn't watch the sunset. He makes it.

-Chuck Norris uses hot sauce as eye drops.

-Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

If you're reading this
Then I finally did it
I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye
There was no time
Understand I was stressed
Living day to day was hard
And I gave it my best
But there was nothing left
For me in this world
To convince me to stay
Now I'm long gone away
Don't you do that
Don't you start your tears
Just remember all the time we spent over the years
Never cry
Never think bad to me
What's done is done and that's the way it had to be
I need you to be strong for me
Say your prayer everyday in my memory
I'm sure it's helping me
To earn my feathers
To get some wings
And a halo and a harp and angelic things
And even though I'm gone And outta sight
Never worry about me
I'm alright

I'm alright
And if I should die
Don't blame yourself and keep it locked inside
I'm alright
And everytime you cry don't breakdown
Just keep me inside in your mind

You only saw the outside
Never knew what I was feeling
Now everyday you lay in bed staring at the ceiling
But you don't see me no more
You can fill your heart with memories
And things from before
But everybody got a purpose in life
To survive when the sunrise
You gonna live to see another day
Just don't follow me and live your life your own way
I'll be in set and if you forget
Get the picture with the cord around my neck
See me underground and I'm stuck
But it's cool that's where I wanna be
Keep the drama in hand but outta sight
And know that
I'mma be alright

I'm alright
And if I should die
Don't blame yourself and keep it locked inside
I'm alright
And everytime you cry don't breakdown
Just keep me inside in your mind